tough nights

baby,
these past two nights have been really hard. between me being really upset about my friends and not having you around and now us talking about you moving out. i know that it's really stressful on both of us when the other is upset. i try not to be. i try to be strong around you but sometimes it gets to be too much for me, like last night and now tonight.

a lot of the time i just don't know what to say. i'm not good at expressing myself when i'm upset or sad about something. it's hard for me to think of just one thing that's bothering me and causing me to act the way i am. especially tonight. i just don't know what to say because i know that you're going to go about moving out here in the way that you want to. and i don't want to pressure you into figuring this out sooner than you're ready to.

but sometimes i feel like you expect God to appear to you in bright lights saying that everything is going to work out but in my experience that's never happened. yes you need to pray about it and seek the council of others, like your youth minister, and ultimately YOU have to make the decision. no one can or should make it for you.

it's hard for me because i just want to say to just move out here no matter what, that we'll figure everything out, God is on our side. i want you out here with me more than anything in the world. but i don't want to be responsible for the decision you make. i don't want you to make your decision based on what i want. it's hard for me because i want you to just say screw my family and tell them that you're moving out here to be with me. but at the same time i know that's not right.

i know that your grandparents are never going to be ok with the idea of you moving out here or even out of the house. i just wish that they would understand. i wish that they would let you grow up and make your own decisions. yes some of them might turn out to be mistakes, but sometimes we have to make mistakes in order to learn what's right and what's best for us.

it's hard for me because right now i don't have anyone out here besides my family. you're in north carolina, krystal is in flagstaff and vanessa and amber have fallen off the face of the earth. all i do is go to school and work and talk to you on skype. you said earlier tonight that you feel alone, i feel alone too.

i don't know how everything is going to work out. i don't know if my friends will ever come around. i don't know if you'll ever come out here. and i definitely don't know if you're family will ever fully approve of our relationship.

i don't think they'll ever be ok with you moving out here or into another house. i hope that they will be. but especially your grandpa. i'm just afraid that he'll be so angry and that he'll hold it against you forever. i don't want that to happen.

and because of that, i think you should stay there. your family needs you and i know that you need them. you say that you're not happy there but i think it'll be so hard for you to leave them and go to school in flagstaff or out here. it's hard for me to say that i think it's a good idea for you to stay with your family because i want you here with me more than anything. but i still think that when it comes down to it, you'll choose your family.

i'm scared that you're going to stay there. i'm scared about the toll that it'll have on our relationship because i will be upset. it'll be hard to be in flagstaff with the idea that you could have been there with me, but you're not. i'm scared that it'll be years until we can finally be with each other and it's only gonna get harder and harder to be away from each other.

i don't really know what else to say except that this is your decision and i really hope that you make the right decision for yourself, not anyone else.